Saturday, September 1, 2007

Sheeeeee's Baaaaaaaaack!!!!

Auntie Gay rode into the halls of Congress this week, perched daintily side-saddle on Larry Craig’s coffin, waving the GOP’s new, mandatory “Contract with America II: I Am Not Gay” pledge, and trilling “Jesus Saves!”

As most of America knows, Auntie Gay has spent much of the year away from the nation’s capital. She’s been home in her hole feeding on rot and worm droppings, building her strength for the coming round of elections.

But Auntie Gay came out today (you should pardon the expression) to celebrate the Party's exorcism of Senator Larry Craig, and to preview GOP Grandfather, closet-candidate, and militantly heterosexual Fred Thompson’s expected coming-out comments next week. Dispensing turgid faith statements and knowing tssk-tssk-tssks, Auntie Gay flitted around the Right wing of the Hill like a turd fairy.

Auntie Gay was welcomed home by former House Whip and current Mr. Christian Tom DeLay and Huns for Jesus CEO Karl Rove. Current and former party hot-shots, including Ken Mehlman, Armstrong Williams, Richard Dreier, and Ed Schrock, tossed manly yellow marigolds in her wake as Washington’s new Mr. Clean, Sen. David Vitter, and GOP presidential candidates Mitt (I Can Assure You There Are No Gay Mormons) Romney and STRAIGHT-shooter John McCain beamed godly smiles from the sidelines.

On this occasion, Auntie Gay was wearing three wedding rings on her left hand, a pawned AA button and two sequined Old Glories on her bosom, and a bling cross the size of an all-American apple pie. She also sported a Bluetooth said to be hotlined to God Hisself, a cat named Righteous Pussy, and a grin like an Afghani back hoe.

Unfortunately, we weren’t allowed to hear her remarks. Auntie Gay was towed to the deepest bowels of the Capitol's Right wing for a mid-day snack of dung, beetles, and arachnids, to be followed by a members-only briefing on how to pump up the Party’s virility and achieve more publicity for its married members. It is believed that a special team of consultants from the Big-Love state's firm of Viagra, Viagra, and Cialis, have been hired to do the heavy lifting for this challenge.

Asked for his reaction, totally neutral network pundit Tim Russert smiled and said, “Yeah baby! Heah she come!”