Wigged Out on Dumb

I'm getting wigged out on dumb.

Everywhere I look, everywhere I turn, there's another drool-slinging, toe-stumping, head-whopping, over-the-top and under-the-bottom damn stupid dumb thing ready to join up with all its slack-jawed, cud-chewing, flat-topped buddies to give me a heart attack if I'd just let 'em.

In no particular order of crawling-on-the-floor stupidity, Duncan Hunter recently opined that the US military doesn't have time to experiment with gay soldiers. Where has he been for the last 300 years? If he doesn't know there've been gay soldiers since time began, then he's too stupid to be let on national TV. If a tree falls in the forest and he wasn't there to hear it, it didn't fall? What a maroon. Then, in another episode of GOP diplomatic genius, he went on to allow as how the US military does real fighting, unlike the Brits and the Europeans. Wait. I thought they were among the "Coalition of the Willing"? I'm trying to find my way inside Duncan Hunter's head here, and it's not pretty. I'm wondering what he means. He's implying that countries that include gays in their military forces can't play rough? Like he thinks the Israelis girl fight?

I heard this morning on the news that some woman in Arizona is hosting Taser parties. Not Tupperware parties, Taser parties for that special girl in your life. They come in silver, black, and, wait for it, pink. The idea is that every female possess a Taser, I guess. As for one guest of party hostess Dana Shafman (is that an emerging pun?), "Scheur said that once the Taser enters her house, she will keep it in a locked box under her bed with the key high enough so her children cannot open the box." It might be me, but (a) what good will it do locked in a box under her bed where she will not be able to get at it when the cat burglar pirouettes through her pied à terre, and (b) what means "with the key high enough so her children cannot open the box"? High enough? Already we have people walking around with guns in holsters at, you know, the dog-walking park. Now we'll have ladies with Tasers? Suddenly Phoenix skies are slashed with blue streaks. Martial law is declared. I can't wait for the first bimbette to Tase the fool who cuts her off in high-speed traffic, and if you think Christmas shopping is fun now, just wait. Tip: Whatever you do, don't reach for the last Dooney and Bourke. Honey, pack up. We're outta here.

There's a new group. Vegansexuals. I'm not kidding. I don't think I'm allowed to tell you the image that first came to mind, but let me just say that if I were a vegetarian who wanted sex only with other vegetarians, I'd get a new brand. It reminds me of that great riff Lily Tomlin does about peanut oil, coconut oil, corn oil, baby oil . . . .

We Americans are flying in ever-decreasing concentric circles on the matter of immigration, and if you just stop and think a minute, you will see that that trajectory takes you where the sun don't shine. We are actually formulating national policy, proposing to elect a new president, and passing state laws on the basis of a whole load of crap brought to us exclusively by Far Right racists. And all this time you thought it made sense. What part of "do your homework" don't we get?

This belongs in the day-late, dollar-short category, I know. But remember when we all said that supporting Mukasey for Alberto Gonzales' replacement as AJ was stupid, because, as night follows day, it follows that anyone that Bush nominates for anything is NOT GOOD FOR AMERICA? Well, Mukasey's in now, and if his messing around with "investigating" the untimely demise of the CIA tapes doesn't hack you off, then maybe this will. Turns out the DOJ is the lead cheerleader for a new plan to allow the GOP to commit voter fraud:

In legal briefs filed at the Supreme Court before a January hearing over the constitutionality of Indiana's 2005 voter I.D. law, the Department of Justice and other defenders of the ID law are making several new arguments that, if accepted by the court, would allow states to create barriers to voting without showing these laws address real problems.

What this means is that every Democrat who voted for Mukasey is dumb as a sack of rice. Among other things, if the courts buy this transparent Kremlinesque tactic to steal the next elextion, the GOP need only allege that armies of undocumented workers are lining up to steal the vote for Democrats, and they will be permitted to erect barriers to brown, black, poor, and Democrat voters, and our "Justice" department is for it. And you thought the Democrats would win in 2008. Har.

This is all the stupid I can take for one day.